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Fri. Jun 6th, 2025
Trending News: The UK Bans “Ninja Swords” Samurai Swords unaffected.St. Peter unsure what to do with David Lynch“Reply Guy on X” now the most common Job Title in the United StatesSanta to bypass USS Gettysburg this yearPanic sets in as Kamala Harris realizes that she has misplaced the president.27 Democrat Representatives hospitalized for whiplash after changing position too quickly“Just be cool, man,” Xi Jinping tells Taiwan and the West to chillLuigi Mangione sets new record for going from “Calculated Assassin” to “F%$@ing lunatic”With Assad gone, Syria can look forward to peace and prosperity, just like Libya.Long forgotten Running Back O.J. Simpson has died.Gen-X low key disappointed that Eclipse didn’t bring ApocalypseTrump’s sanity questioned after he declines to pursue executive overreach.“Wait, what?” Houthi leaders shocked that ballistic missile hits ship in the red sea.Sec. Austin: “World War III will be the most diverse World War ever.”Attention Seeker Seeks AttentionSecretary of Defense Lloyd Austin returns to work after gender affirming care2023 Viral Sensations  team up for new TV Series “Waffle Shop Adventures”Harvard President Claudine Gay resigns in order to focus on conversion to JudaismLocal Man condemns nation, world to catastrophic 2024.Lindsey Graham: True Regime Change has never been tried.SMU hires internet football expert as new Offensive CoordinatorRebel Moon ends debate over who’s to blame for Zack Snyder’s shitty movies.Ivy League Presidents Shocked to learn of the holocaust for the first time.Senate Aide films gay porn in… I just can’t do this.Migrant Jihadi yearning for increased terrorism opportunities in the US.White House Architect Replacing Bowling Alley with Cell BlockFacebook Crashes as Fact Checkers apply the same standards across all political sidesUS Casualties are being reassured that there are still no Presidential mean tweets.Reaction MemesWhite House Takes Early Steps to Establish a Ministry of PropagandaBig Tech Overlords Horrified to see their Platforms used to Destabilize an Authoritarian RegimeChamp Biden in Possession of Clinton Email ArchiveWHO: Double Masking is out, Cellophane bags are in.Gina Carano fired for suggesting people not act like NazisThe Devil Sells Soul to Tom Brady.Executive Orders rebranded as “Unanimous Consent Decrees”NASA, Private Space Companies to send AOC, MTG back to home planetEditorial: There are valid reasons for anyone to vote for anyone else.Trump Economic Boom Based only on Stock Market, Job growth, median income, manufacturing jobs, and most other economic indicators.Dallas Cowboy’s QB Ben DiNucci makes ICU ReservationRacist Celebrity offers to exchange sex for political endorsementDemocrats Begin Final Round of Campaign RiotsRussia Denies Paying Bounties, Insists They Were Just Maintaining a DeadpoolKlan Hoods left in Bubba Wallace’s NASCAR GarageMask Confusion Linked to Toilet Paper Hoarding, Stupid People.Governor Greg Abbot’s Reckless Decision to Reopen Causes Severe COVID-19 Outbreak in California.EXPOSE: Sexism in the Criminal Justice System substantially worse than racismQuakers launch violent protest against creepy old white guy logoToyota to offer optional “Virtue Signals” on new Prius Models.Music Acts Take Cue from Lady A to Change NamesAndrew Cuomo’s Corona Response: Worst Policy Since Mario Cuomo’s C.H.U.D. Program of the 1980s.Donald Trump Demands Churches Open; Has No Need for One HimselfChinese President Xi pledges $2 billion to creating new Novel Coronavirus.Many Irate Over Avatars Not Wearing MasksAd Hominem, False Analogy now only arguments most Americans can formulate.Charges Reduced: Murder Hornets now classified as “Criminally Negligent Homicidal Hornets”Nation’s unemployed pledge to not commit suicide, overdose on drugsTrump Uses New Technique to Vet Government StrategiesNYC Mayor gets ‘shredded’- Disregards his own edicts#MeToo and #TimesUp receive 30 shekels in exchange for the dignity of all sexual assault survivors.Bengals Select Dr. Chase Sinclair, Virologist, Baylor School of Medicine, with First Overall PickQuarantine Provides Blueprint for Green New Deal: Kill the workers.New App Lets You Know Where Republicans LiveMayor de Blasio forms new CTASI unit for Covid-19 response.University Spends $8M to Find Out What Snot Smells LikeRussian Fighter Jet “Keeping up Foreign Relations”Media Desperate to grant Celebrity status to anyone who dies of Corona virus.Expert Germaphobes Explain How to Clean Properly During PandemicThousands of People Suddenly Concerned with State’s Rights.Chinese Prove best in world at controlling viruses they’ve created.Children of Celebrities Taking Lockdown HardestChristmas/Easter Christians swamp live-streams, crash internet.Dr. Fauci Fools No One on FOX’s Masked SingerNew Jersey Town: “These Drones are Totally Not Orwellian”Trump in Dems’ Good Graces for Almost an HourBREAKING! All Politicians still brilliant/incompetent.*Facebook to add new “STFU” button to mute political posts from friends who still can’t let it go.Cameraman Driven Insane by Poor Zoom Composition and LightingMid-East Terror Leaders Embroiled in Twitter WarNew State Sponsored Restaurants Opening in Hong Kong.NFL Social Distancing Rules Favor the OffenseNBA 2K Tournaments Introduce Smellivision OptionBaltimore Orioles Fall Five Games Under .500TV Doctor’s Instagram Post Saves the WorldLocal ANCAP Fanatic unphased by Government overreachUSS Theodore Roosevelt Reports Vast Reductions in STDsAbandoned Times Square far less creepy than normal Times Square circa 1975All the news that’s fit to mock

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Fri. Jun 6th, 2025
Trending News: The UK Bans “Ninja Swords” Samurai Swords unaffected.St. Peter unsure what to do with David Lynch“Reply Guy on X” now the most common Job Title in the United StatesSanta to bypass USS Gettysburg this yearPanic sets in as Kamala Harris realizes that she has misplaced the president.27 Democrat Representatives hospitalized for whiplash after changing position too quickly“Just be cool, man,” Xi Jinping tells Taiwan and the West to chillLuigi Mangione sets new record for going from “Calculated Assassin” to “F%$@ing lunatic”With Assad gone, Syria can look forward to peace and prosperity, just like Libya.Long forgotten Running Back O.J. Simpson has died.Gen-X low key disappointed that Eclipse didn’t bring ApocalypseTrump’s sanity questioned after he declines to pursue executive overreach.“Wait, what?” Houthi leaders shocked that ballistic missile hits ship in the red sea.Sec. Austin: “World War III will be the most diverse World War ever.”Attention Seeker Seeks AttentionSecretary of Defense Lloyd Austin returns to work after gender affirming care2023 Viral Sensations  team up for new TV Series “Waffle Shop Adventures”Harvard President Claudine Gay resigns in order to focus on conversion to JudaismLocal Man condemns nation, world to catastrophic 2024.Lindsey Graham: True Regime Change has never been tried.SMU hires internet football expert as new Offensive CoordinatorRebel Moon ends debate over who’s to blame for Zack Snyder’s shitty movies.Ivy League Presidents Shocked to learn of the holocaust for the first time.Senate Aide films gay porn in… I just can’t do this.Migrant Jihadi yearning for increased terrorism opportunities in the US.White House Architect Replacing Bowling Alley with Cell BlockFacebook Crashes as Fact Checkers apply the same standards across all political sidesUS Casualties are being reassured that there are still no Presidential mean tweets.Reaction MemesWhite House Takes Early Steps to Establish a Ministry of PropagandaBig Tech Overlords Horrified to see their Platforms used to Destabilize an Authoritarian RegimeChamp Biden in Possession of Clinton Email ArchiveWHO: Double Masking is out, Cellophane bags are in.Gina Carano fired for suggesting people not act like NazisThe Devil Sells Soul to Tom Brady.Executive Orders rebranded as “Unanimous Consent Decrees”NASA, Private Space Companies to send AOC, MTG back to home planetEditorial: There are valid reasons for anyone to vote for anyone else.Trump Economic Boom Based only on Stock Market, Job growth, median income, manufacturing jobs, and most other economic indicators.Dallas Cowboy’s QB Ben DiNucci makes ICU ReservationRacist Celebrity offers to exchange sex for political endorsementDemocrats Begin Final Round of Campaign RiotsRussia Denies Paying Bounties, Insists They Were Just Maintaining a DeadpoolKlan Hoods left in Bubba Wallace’s NASCAR GarageMask Confusion Linked to Toilet Paper Hoarding, Stupid People.Governor Greg Abbot’s Reckless Decision to Reopen Causes Severe COVID-19 Outbreak in California.EXPOSE: Sexism in the Criminal Justice System substantially worse than racismQuakers launch violent protest against creepy old white guy logoToyota to offer optional “Virtue Signals” on new Prius Models.Music Acts Take Cue from Lady A to Change NamesAndrew Cuomo’s Corona Response: Worst Policy Since Mario Cuomo’s C.H.U.D. Program of the 1980s.Donald Trump Demands Churches Open; Has No Need for One HimselfChinese President Xi pledges $2 billion to creating new Novel Coronavirus.Many Irate Over Avatars Not Wearing MasksAd Hominem, False Analogy now only arguments most Americans can formulate.Charges Reduced: Murder Hornets now classified as “Criminally Negligent Homicidal Hornets”Nation’s unemployed pledge to not commit suicide, overdose on drugsTrump Uses New Technique to Vet Government StrategiesNYC Mayor gets ‘shredded’- Disregards his own edicts#MeToo and #TimesUp receive 30 shekels in exchange for the dignity of all sexual assault survivors.Bengals Select Dr. Chase Sinclair, Virologist, Baylor School of Medicine, with First Overall PickQuarantine Provides Blueprint for Green New Deal: Kill the workers.New App Lets You Know Where Republicans LiveMayor de Blasio forms new CTASI unit for Covid-19 response.University Spends $8M to Find Out What Snot Smells LikeRussian Fighter Jet “Keeping up Foreign Relations”Media Desperate to grant Celebrity status to anyone who dies of Corona virus.Expert Germaphobes Explain How to Clean Properly During PandemicThousands of People Suddenly Concerned with State’s Rights.Chinese Prove best in world at controlling viruses they’ve created.Children of Celebrities Taking Lockdown HardestChristmas/Easter Christians swamp live-streams, crash internet.Dr. Fauci Fools No One on FOX’s Masked SingerNew Jersey Town: “These Drones are Totally Not Orwellian”Trump in Dems’ Good Graces for Almost an HourBREAKING! All Politicians still brilliant/incompetent.*Facebook to add new “STFU” button to mute political posts from friends who still can’t let it go.Cameraman Driven Insane by Poor Zoom Composition and LightingMid-East Terror Leaders Embroiled in Twitter WarNew State Sponsored Restaurants Opening in Hong Kong.NFL Social Distancing Rules Favor the OffenseNBA 2K Tournaments Introduce Smellivision OptionBaltimore Orioles Fall Five Games Under .500TV Doctor’s Instagram Post Saves the WorldLocal ANCAP Fanatic unphased by Government overreachUSS Theodore Roosevelt Reports Vast Reductions in STDsAbandoned Times Square far less creepy than normal Times Square circa 1975All the news that’s fit to mock
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White House Takes Early Steps to Establish a Ministry of Propaganda
  • Alex AaronsonAlex Aaronson
  • July 16, 2021
  • 0 Comments
White House Takes Early Steps to Establish a Ministry of Propaganda

Washington DC – In a press conference on July 15th White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki announced the initial steps being taken to establish a new Ministry of Propaganda. Psaki…

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Champ Biden in Possession of Clinton Email Archive
  • Alex AaronsonAlex Aaronson
  • June 21, 2021
  • 0 Comments
Champ Biden in Possession of Clinton Email Archive

Washington: Disturbing new emails have been uncovered showing that Champ Biden, the elder of President Joe Biden’s two German Shepherds had information relating to the location of an archive of…

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Executive Orders rebranded as “Unanimous Consent Decrees”
  • Alex AaronsonAlex Aaronson
  • February 7, 2021
  • 0 Comments
Executive Orders rebranded as “Unanimous Consent Decrees”

Washington, D.C. Facing backlash over his apparently hypocritical stance on governing through executive order, the Harris Administration has called for the rebranding of the offending orders. All official White House…

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NASA, Private Space Companies to send AOC, MTG back to home planet
  • Alex AaronsonAlex Aaronson
  • February 4, 2021
  • 0 Comments
NASA, Private Space Companies to send AOC, MTG back to home planet

Washington – DC An Emergency Joint Resolution in Congress has been passed, increasing NASA Funding by 1000%. Additional regulatory latitude has also been allocated to private space exploration companies Blue…

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Editorial: There are valid reasons for anyone to vote for anyone else.
  • Alex AaronsonAlex Aaronson
  • November 2, 2020
  • 0 Comments
Editorial: There are valid reasons for anyone to vote for anyone else.

United States – On the eve of the election, we, the editorial staff of the Daily Deuce, would like to remind our readership that you aren’t so damned smart as…

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Trump Economic Boom Based only on Stock Market, Job growth, median income, manufacturing jobs, and most other economic indicators.
  • Alex AaronsonAlex Aaronson
  • October 30, 2020
  • 0 Comments
Trump Economic Boom Based only on Stock Market, Job growth, median income, manufacturing jobs, and most other economic indicators.

New York –  With the 2020 Presidential election looming, reports are coming out showing that Donald Trump’s claims of a booming economy were based only on economic data. “This is…

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Democrats Begin Final Round of Campaign Riots
  • Alex AaronsonAlex Aaronson
  • October 28, 2020
  • 1 Comments
Democrats Begin Final Round of Campaign Riots

Philadelphia – With one week remaining before the 2020 presidential election, Democrats have launched a final round of campaign riots in the battleground state of Pennsylvania. “We knew that it…

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Mask Confusion Linked to Toilet Paper Hoarding, Stupid People.
  • Alex AaronsonAlex Aaronson
  • June 26, 2020
  • 0 Comments
Mask Confusion Linked to Toilet Paper Hoarding, Stupid People.

Washington, D.C. – Spokesmen for the CDC and the National Institute of Health have admitted that the initial reports that face masks would not help reduce transmission of COVID-19 were…

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EXPOSE: Sexism in the Criminal Justice System substantially worse than racism
  • Alex AaronsonAlex Aaronson
  • June 22, 2020
  • 0 Comments
EXPOSE: Sexism in the Criminal Justice System substantially worse than racism

New York – With the most recent wave of accusations of racism in the American criminal justice system, researchers have uncovered an even more egregious form of discrimination: Sexism. “Once…

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Quakers launch violent protest against creepy old white guy logo
  • Alex AaronsonAlex Aaronson
  • June 17, 2020
  • 0 Comments
Quakers launch violent protest against creepy old white guy logo

West Chester – In response to growing unrest revolving around intolerant depictions of Quakers in American culture, riots have broken out in several Quaker communities across the United States. “The…

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World News

The UK Bans “Ninja Swords” Samurai Swords unaffected.

  • Alex Aaronson
  • March 27, 2025
The UK Bans “Ninja Swords” Samurai Swords unaffected.
Entertainment

St. Peter unsure what to do with David Lynch

  • Editorial Staff
  • January 16, 2025
St. Peter unsure what to do with David Lynch
Uncategorized

“Reply Guy on X” now the most common Job Title in the United States

  • Editorial Staff
  • January 2, 2025
“Reply Guy on X” now the most common Job Title in the United States
National News World News

Santa to bypass USS Gettysburg this year

  • Editorial Staff
  • December 24, 2024
Santa to bypass USS Gettysburg this year
National News

Panic sets in as Kamala Harris realizes that she has misplaced the president.

  • Editorial Staff
  • December 20, 2024
Panic sets in as Kamala Harris realizes that she has misplaced the president.
National News

27 Democrat Representatives hospitalized for whiplash after changing position too quickly

  • Editorial Staff
  • December 20, 2024
27 Democrat Representatives hospitalized for whiplash after changing position too quickly
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