Washington D.C. – In an unprecedented opinion today, Justice Amy Coney Barrett, writing for the Majority, set Ketanji Brown Jackson on fire, stating: “Observing the limits on judicial authority—including, as relevant here, the boundaries of the Judiciary Act of 1789—is required by a judge’s oath to follow the law. JUSTICE JACKSON skips over that part. Because analyzing the governing statute involves boring ‘legalese’”

Cliff Jeffersonson, spokesperson for the Coalition of Black Lawmakers, defended Jackson. “Justice Jackson was not sent to the Supreme Court in order to waste her time on legal gibberish. She was chosen as a symbol of the strong black woman. She doesn’t have time for this nonsense, especially during theater season.” When approached for comment, Justice Clarence Thomas briefly grumbled before leveling a menacing stare at journalists.

FDDC Officials have cleared the Supreme Court building as they look for evidence of intent. “On the one hand,” said Major Tom Fetterston, “We really frown upon such savage burns, especially in these sacred halls. On the other hand, Jackson just keeps asking for it.”