New York – In a surprising move on Tuesday, the people of New York have voted in Zohran Mamdani as their next mayor. “Look, we tried a ‘law and order’ candidate in Eric Adams, but in the end, he didn’t run this city into the ground like we’d expected. He actually had the nerve to suggest that unlimited immigration and complete and total support for illegal immigrants would bankrupt the city.” Said Ted Jackson, a Democratic Socialist who voted for Mamdani. “Now we truly have a mayor that will undoubtedly run this great city right into the ground.”

“Listen,” said Heidi Johnson, another Mamdani voter, “My grandparents came over from the Soviet Union, and I heard the stories of bread lines. I’ve never had a bread line and if I want to stand in a bread line during my lifetime, this is the type of leadership we need!”

“I’ve long been a supporter of socialism,” said Mamdani campaign volunteer Yosef Mohammed Ahmed “There are few things as effective at removing the rootless cosmopolitans as socialism!” When asked for details on who and what he was talking about, Mr. Ahmed smiled and said “Go read a book.”