Kabul, Afghanistan – With multiple terrorist attacks hitting the Hamid Karzai International Airport today, US State department officials have been working with local emergency medical personnel to assure casualties that President Biden has not sent out any mean tweets.

“It was pandemonium at the gate. We were pushing our way towards the airport when we heard an explosion to our left,” said Mumtaz Gurmani, a former Afghan interpreter who worked with US Forces. “My initial reaction to the attack was to pray to Allah that there had not been any rude social media posts by the president.”

Greg Vernon, a US Citizen working in Afghanistan reported, “This attack will probably mean I’m stuck here past the August 31st withdrawal deadline. I’ll probably be taken hostage, and I’m guessing my Afghan wife will be raped to death, but on the other hand, at least that racists orange guy isn’t in charge of this debacle.”