Guam (DP) Commander Larry Donaldson claimed in an interview Friday that the due to on board social distancing policies and a general fear of contagion, verified cases of sexually transmitted diseases are at an all time low. “Normally after we’d pull out of a port call in Vietnam, the ship would be swimming in Chlamydia. I mean, you tell these kids that it’s out there and you tell them to take precautions, but after a month of bobbing around the Pacific Ocean… there’s not much you can do,” said Donaldson.

When asked about the prevalence of COVID-19 and the effects it has had on the crew, Donaldson claimed: “I guess if you give these sailors a choice, they’d rather have a burning sensation when they take a leak than wind up on a respirator and subject to our tender mercies.”