Washington, D.C. – With the war in the Middle East threatening to expand, while China eyes Taiwan and Russia continues their offensive in Ukraine, American Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin has assured the public that World War III will be the most diverse World War ever.

“Let’s be honest,” said Secretary Austin in a press conference on Friday, “The First World War was extremely exclusive. It was fought almost entirely by straight white men. It’s true that the Ottomans were people of color, but the overall representation was unacceptable. The Second World War was an improvement over the first in that Asians were included for the first time.” When asked if Asians were people of color in this instance, Austin replied “Yes, in this case, including Asians as people of color bolsters my point, and therefore they are oppressed.”

“We have been preparing for this since the adoption of the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy under Bill Clinton. Over the course of the thirty years we are finally nearing the representation we need in our Military in order to ensure that all people and cultures are represented on the front lines, fighting and dying for the rights of Drag Queens to twerk in front of children.”