Washington, D.C. – Spokesmen for the CDC and the National Institute of Health have admitted that the initial reports that face masks would not help reduce transmission of COVID-19 were tightly linked to stupid people hoarding toilet paper. “Wow, I mean. I, um,” Said Nancy Parker, a spokeswoman for the CDC. “We got caught a bit flat footed on that one. We were about to put out a press release suggesting that Americans adopt face masks to reduce the spread, when John [Berry] over in viral research said ‘Oh, hey has anyone tried to buy toilet paper? It’s totally sold out everywhere I looked.’ Once we realized that really dumb people were buying up all of the toilet paper as a response to the pandemic, we knew that those same people would find a way to wipe out the entire supply of protective facemasks.”

Greg Thompson, spokesman for the NIH agreed. “when you do the math it all adds up. Think about how dumb the dumbest 1% of the country is. Okay, now consider that there are 3.5 million of those people out there. The biggest surprise of all has to be that once the supply chain sorted itself out and facemasks are plentiful, those same 1% of the population has now decided that facemasks are from the devil, pedophiles or some kind of government conspiracy to make everyone wear burkas… We just can’t win here.”