Beijing, – China, With tensions growing in the Taiwan Straight and China increasing their military presence in the region, China’s Xi Jinping has a clear message for the west. “JT let me have Taiwan. I won it.” When this explanation didn’t ease fears of a military invasion of the island, Minister of Information, Li Wei added “Daddy, Chill.”

When reached for comment, US Secretary of State Antony J. Blinken was quoted as saying, “What the hell is even that?”