West Chester – In response to growing unrest revolving around intolerant depictions of Quakers in American culture, riots have broken out in several Quaker communities across the United States. “The history of this nation is replete with examples of intolerance towards the Quaker people,” said Benjamin Nehemiah Lancaster, as he threw a Molotov Cocktail at a Bed and Breakfast suspected of serving the intolerant breakfast food. “It is high time that this wicked society understands that you can only push a man of God so far,” he continued as he put on his wide-brimmed hat, ran his hand down his impressive beard,  mounted his buggy and fled the scene.

In Nearby Philadelphia, the Football facilities were under complete lockdown after threats of violence were made against the University regarding their “Quaker” logo. A crowd of peaceful protesters quietly burned down the weight room, and peaceably beat three University police officers into a coma. Spokesman Rob Osborne of the Pennsylvania Friends tried to spread calm. “I… I don’t even know where to start. We don’t all wear those hats, we don’t have old timey names, we’re not afraid of technology, and we don’t all have long beards… you’re thinking of the Amish. The Amish,” said Osborne. “Oh, and stop blaming all of us for Richard Nixon. That was DECADES ago,” he continued, shaking his head sadly.