Unfair, but Balanced
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Alex AaronsonLos Angeles – Obscure athlete and Former USC and Buffalo Bills running back O.J. Simpson has passed away in his home after a long battle with cancer. He was Seventy-Six…
Alex AaronsonDallas, TX. – With the 2024 Total Eclipse coming and going, members of Generation X have reported a sense of disappointment that the promised apocalypse did not come to pass.…
Alex AaronsonPalm Beach, FL – In a shocking turn of events, Donald J. Trump, the Republican Candidate for US President has declined to cram his party’s preferred policy position onto everyone…
Alex AaronsonAl Hudaydah, Yemen – Houthi Leader Abu Jibril expressed shock and surprise when news hit that a ship in the Red Sea was hit by one of his anti-ship ballistic…
Alex AaronsonWashington, D.C. – With the war in the Middle East threatening to expand, while China eyes Taiwan and Russia continues their offensive in Ukraine, American Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin…
Alex AaronsonSherman Oaks, CA – Lil Nas X has demanded everyone look at him. Again. “Hey everyone! Look at me! I’m comparing myself to Jesus Christ! Check out my video, it’s…
Alex AaronsonWashington, D.C. – Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin temporarily stepped away from his position during the holidays, turning his duties over to Deputy Defense Secretary Kathleen Hicks in order to…
Alex AaronsonHollywood, CA – After a terrible 2023, Hollywood executives are searching for ways to make 2024 a return to form. One such project involves pairing Tiffany “He’s not [expletive] real”…
Alex AaronsonCambridge, MA – Embattled Harvard President Claudine Gay has rescinded her title and renounced her authority as the Head of the University. “These have been a trying few weeks,” said…
Alex AaronsonFort Henry, TX – Local resident Ted Mann has provoked the wrath of the universe by declaring that there is no chance that 2024 could possibly be worse than 2023.…
Alex AaronsonWashington, D.C. – With increased attacks on US troops and interests in the Middle East, United States Senator Lindsey Graham (R- SC) has suggested that we destabilize the existing government…
Alex AaronsonBoston, MA – At halftime in the 2023 Wasabi Fenway Bowl, the SMU Mustangs made the surprising announcement that they will be replacing current Offensive Coordinator Casey Woods with On3.com…
Alex AaronsonHollywood, CA – With the release of Zack Snyder’s latest film “Rebel Moon,” the 57 Year old Director has finally proven that he has the talent and ability to destroy…
Alex AaronsonWashington, D.C. – Harvard University President Claudine Gay and several other Presidents of elite universities were introduced to the savagery of the Holocaust for the first time last week. “I…
Alex AaronsonWashington, D.C. – Are you kidding me? How am I supposed to write parody when reality has become parody? If I had written this when we started the Deuce, y’all…
Alex AaronsonLas Vacas, Mexico- Within the migrant caravans heading towards the US southern border, there are thousands of individual stories. Some are fleeing the Socialist Regime in Venezuela. Others are economic…
Alex AaronsonWashington, D.C. – With Donald Trump’s polling numbers increasing as his legal challenges continue to mount, White House staff have been investigating ways to accommodate America’s first Felon-President. Lance Berkshire,…
Alex AaronsonMenlo Park – In a devastating move today, Facebook updated their fact checking policy to enforce conformity in approach for how stories and posts are fact checked. According to the…
Alex AaronsonKabul, Afghanistan – With multiple terrorist attacks hitting the Hamid Karzai International Airport today, US State department officials have been working with local emergency medical personnel to assure casualties that…
Alex AaronsonAlex AaronsonWashington DC – In a press conference on July 15th White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki announced the initial steps being taken to establish a new Ministry of Propaganda. Psaki…
Alex AaronsonMenlo Park – In a statement released today, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg reflected with horror and dismay that his platform could be used to destabilize a communist dictatorship. “This is…
Alex AaronsonWashington: Disturbing new emails have been uncovered showing that Champ Biden, the elder of President Joe Biden’s two German Shepherds had information relating to the location of an archive of…
Alex AaronsonNew York – As the nation prepares to enter the second year of the two-week period to ease overcrowding of medical facilities, government guidelines are being considered to further reduce…
Alex AaronsonBurbank – Today Disney fired Gina Carano, star of the Disney+ show “The Mandolorian,” after a tweet where she suggested that people shouldn’t act like Nazis. “In previous tweets, Ms.…
Alex AaronsonHades – In an effort to get out ahead of rumors on Monday, Satan held a press conference not only denying that Tom Brady had sold his soul to the…
Alex AaronsonWashington, D.C. Facing backlash over his apparently hypocritical stance on governing through executive order, the Harris Administration has called for the rebranding of the offending orders. All official White House…
Alex AaronsonWashington – DC An Emergency Joint Resolution in Congress has been passed, increasing NASA Funding by 1000%. Additional regulatory latitude has also been allocated to private space exploration companies Blue…
Alex AaronsonUnited States – On the eve of the election, we, the editorial staff of the Daily Deuce, would like to remind our readership that you aren’t so damned smart as…
Alex AaronsonNew York – With the 2020 Presidential election looming, reports are coming out showing that Donald Trump’s claims of a booming economy were based only on economic data. “This is…
David CameronArlington, TX- Dallas’ seventh round draft pick Ben DiNucci is the next Cowboy in line to suffer a career ending injury this Sunday. DiNucci went ahead and made a reservation…
Alex AaronsonLos Angeles – Former Comedian Chelsea Handler offered sexual favors to former Rapper Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson in exchange for Jackson’s endorsement of Joe Biden for President. During an interview…
Alex AaronsonPhiladelphia – With one week remaining before the 2020 presidential election, Democrats have launched a final round of campaign riots in the battleground state of Pennsylvania. “We knew that it…
Alex AaronsonKabul – Elite Russian Troops in Afghanistan have responded to accusations of offering bounties to Afghans for the deaths of US Military Personnel. “Is not bounty, is deadpool,” said Russian…
David CameronGreenbow, Alabama- NASCAR said Thursday that its examination of the Talladega racetrack showed only one water cooler with hood shaped cups, which were found in the garage of black driver…
Alex AaronsonWashington, D.C. – Spokesmen for the CDC and the National Institute of Health have admitted that the initial reports that face masks would not help reduce transmission of COVID-19 were…
Alex AaronsonLos Angeles – Eight weeks after Texas Governor Greg Abbott issued orders to begin reopening the economy of his state, California is seeing it’s greatest rise in Covid-19 diagnosis. “This…
Alex AaronsonNew York – With the most recent wave of accusations of racism in the American criminal justice system, researchers have uncovered an even more egregious form of discrimination: Sexism. “Once…
Alex AaronsonWest Chester – In response to growing unrest revolving around intolerant depictions of Quakers in American culture, riots have broken out in several Quaker communities across the United States. “The…
Alex AaronsonTokyo – Executives for Toyota Motor Corporation have announced that for the next model year, all models of the Toyota Prius sold in the United States will have optional “Virtue…
David CameronNashville- Country music trio Lady Antebellum recently changed their name to “Lady A”, dropping the Antebellum as to ‘not offend anyone’ and will use the nickname that they were given by…
Alex AaronsonNew York – A backlash has hit New York Governor Andrew Cuomo in the wake of reports that his administration’s handling of the coronavirus outbreak lead directly to thousands of…
Darrell ThorckmortonWASHINGTON – Donald Trump has ordered – with no legal authority- the opening of churches and other houses of worship. Unnamed sources have indicated that he hopes doing so will…
Alex AaronsonBeijing – After months of working to contain the virus that escaped a virology Lab in Wuhan, China, Chinese Communist Party leader Xi Jinping has agreed to spend Two Billion…
David CameronFB Nation- A slew of homebound web warriors are using their time to shame those who have fallen for the popular avatar app with out taking necessary precautions like adding…
Alex AaronsonAustin – In a new paper published by the University of Texas, researchers have concluded that most Americans can only form rudimentary arguments based on either personal attacks, or completely…
Alex AaronsonSeattle – After weeks of negotiation lawyers from the Federal Government and those representing Vespa Mandarinia, have reached a plea agreement reducing charges from murder to criminally negligent homicide. “As…
Alex AaronsonWashington, D.C. – With over 30 million newly unemployed workers in the United States due to the COVID-19 pandemic, debate has broken out over whether the response to the pandemic…
David CameronWashington DC- President Donald Trump is moving forward with a new strategy wherein he brings in expert advisors to his daily press conference and proceeds to ask them random questions…
David CameronNYC- New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has continued to work hard on his physique so that he can continue to do an amazing job of combating the Coronavirus…
Alex AaronsonHollywood – With recent corroboration of sexual assault allegations against the presumptive Democratic Presidential Candidate, Joe Biden, members of the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements have found the value of their…
Alex AaronsonCincinnati – With the first overall pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Cincinnati Bengals have selected Dr. Chase Sinclair, Virologist, Baylor School of Medicine. According to Bengals General Manager,…
Alex AaronsonWashington D.C. – With the global economy nearing a standstill, environmentalists and “green economists” have finally found the answer to ensuring that the goals of the Paris Climate treaty are…
David CameronSan Jose, CA- There was a time when it was easy to spot your conservative neighbor simply by looking at her gas guzzling SUV in the driveway or his “Don’t…
Alex AaronsonNew York- In order to increase the efficiency of enforcement measures in New York City, Mayor Bill de Blasio has announced the creation of a new unit of the…
David CameronDripping Springs, Kansas- A research grant was given last year to a group of doctoral candidates at the Southern University of Central Kansas to conduct an exhaustive double-blind study to…
David CameronCrete- A US Navy P-8A Poseidon, an anti-submarine and anti-surface warfare aircraft, flying over the Mediterranean Sea on Wednesday was intercepted by a Russian SU-35 fighter jet. The Russian fighter,…
Alex AaronsonNew York – As Corona Virus death counts remain drastically lower than original estimates, the Hollywood Press Corps is feeling the pinch. In order to stay relevant during this time…
David CameronManhattan, NY- News feeds are bristling with advice on how to survive the Coronavirus pandemic and Americans can’t read the headlines without tripping over an article about how not to…
Alex AaronsonWashington, D.C. – After a lifetime of deriding anyone who speaks out about “State’s Rights” as being racists and bigots, an entire class of Americans has suddenly become proponents of…
Alex AaronsonBeijing – According to reports from Chinese State News Agencies The People’s Daily and CNN, the Chinese government response to the COVID-19 Pandemic has been flawless. “This is great stuff” reported…
David CameronBrentwood- A recent survey by the Institute for Suburban Living finds that the affluent children of celebrities are having the toughest time surviving the shelter in place orders set down…
Alex AaronsonMcKinney, TX – With churches everywhere moving their services to remote web broadcasting, the rush of “twice a year” Christians to live-streaming of services taxed an already strained internet infrastructure.…
David CameronCult of personality Dr. Anthony Fauci goes ‘Viral’ on Masked Singer Burbank- The CDC’s leading scientist surprised the audience on Wednesday night’s episode of Fox’s hit TV show the Masked…
Alex AaronsonElizabeth, NJ – With enforcement of social distancing guidelines becoming a greater focus in cities across America, some municipal governments are turning to new measures. In Elizabeth, New Jersey, these…
David CameronWashington D.C.- It appears as though Democratic party leaders were actually pleased with President Donald Trump’s handling of the Coronavirus situation for nearly a full hour sometime in late January…
Alex AaronsonBetween the continued struggles against the COVID-19 pandemic, and the suspension of the Bernie Sanders Presidential campaign, various sources have reported that all politicians are brilliant/incompetent. “I can’t believe that…
Alex AaronsonMenlo Park, CA – In an effort to regain some semblance of decorum, Facebook has begun a test implementation of a new STFU button on posts. When selected, the new…
David CameronNew York- A network camera operator was recently checked into Trembling Hills Psychiatric Care Facility in upstate New York claiming that his coworkers’ inability to frame a shot or provide…
David Cameron(Mogadishu) The head of the Taliban Mawlawi Hibatullah Akhundzada took to Twitter to rip his Somali counterpart Emir Ahmad Umar of rival terror group Al-Shabaab. A Forbes article summarizing the…
Alex AaronsonWhile much of world commerce is slowing down during the COVID-19 Pandemic, Chinese State Officials have announced the opening of twenty new restaurants in Hong Kong and Kowloon. The “Wet-n-Wild…
Alex AaronsonWith the continued social distancing put in place due to the COVID-19 Pandemic, the National Football League has begun to adopt Social Distancing rules in order to comply with national…
David Cameron2K Sports Rolls Out New NBA ‘Essence’ Device Novato, CA- The makers of NBA 2K are selling an accessory package that allows fans of the cyber-sport to not only experience…
Alex AaronsonCamden Yards – (FFSN) In spite of there being no games played this year, the Baltimore Orioles have fallen to five games under .500. “I don’t know how the math…
David Cameron‘Grey’s Anatomy’ Star Posts Video Urging Everyone to “stay at home” Four Weeks After Shelter in Place Order Long Island, NY- Famed TV doctor/actress Ellen Pompeo posted a video from her…
Editorial StaffMcKinney, Tx (Farce Press)- Extreme Libertarian enthusiast and self described Anarcho-Capitalist Rory Paulson showed surprising patience with Municipal, State, and Federal Authorities during recent “Shelter in place” orders. “I mean,…
Editorial StaffGuam (DP) Commander Larry Donaldson claimed in an interview Friday that the due to on board social distancing policies and a general fear of contagion, verified cases of sexually transmitted…
Editorial StaffNew York (DP) – During recent periods of social distancing, residents of Manhattan have reported that the views of a completely abandoned Times Square have been disturbing and traumatizing. “It’s…
Editorial StaffGet off our ass, we’re working on it!
