DAMASCAS – SYRIA, In a stunning turn of events this weekend, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad has fled the country, turning over the reins of power to former ISIS member, and current tolerant peace lover,  Mohammed al-Bashir. This developing situation could very well usher in a new era of peace and prosperity for a nation that has been consumed by a brutal civil war over the past thirteen years.

We are so excited to hear the new policy recommendations from Mr. al-Bashir. “My cousin Mohammad told me that his brother Mahmud said that the incoming administration is going to put forth a comprehensive healthcare plan, as well as a pledge of £S5 billion towards infrastructure,” said Safaa Hassan, a resident of Aleppo.

US State Department Representative Mario Estevez stated, “We’re really excited about these developments. The future of Syria is bright and there’s now way that it’s going to come down to a new brutal dictatorship, or a three way fight between al-Bashir, Turkey and the Kurds for dominion over what’s left of population. I mean, just look at how well Libya and Egypt have done in the wake of… Never mind.”