Washington, D.C. – Harvard University President Claudine Gay and several other Presidents of elite universities were introduced to the savagery of the Holocaust for the first time last week. “I was testifying before congress, and they kept using this word ‘holocaust.’ I had no idea what they were talking about, so I had one of my aides look it up on google. We were horrified to learn that the Nazis had murdered six million people for no other reason than that they were Jewish. Shocked. Utterly Shocked.” Dr. Gay defended her lack of understanding because of the archaic language being used.

“I’m not a classic language scholar, so it’s hard to keep up. When learning about the holocaust, I found out that Fascist used to mean a National Socialist authoritarian regime. Today it simply means someone who disagrees with me. It’s subtle changes in language like this that cause confusion.” When asked if she now believed that calling for the genocide of the Jewish people violated Harvard’s policies against bullying and harassment, she went blank for a second, shook her head and responded: “From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free.”